We need to talk.
I have thought long and hard about what to write in this letter. So here goes. I hope you bear with me.
Let’s start with the positives. You have been a constant in my life – seen me through thick and thin for the past 30 something years.
We saw out the 70’s together in the form of a warm milk and a sponge soft, completely mushed version of yourself. My Mum spooning it into my mouth like a little bird clad in a giant plastic blue pelican bib. This is a ritual I will confess to still indulging in now from time to time when the going gets tough and nostalgic hug is needed – however by now I feed myself.
We rocked the 80’s from rock hard with a sprinkling of sugar on top and splash of ice cold milk – hurry and get it down before it goes soggy…..crunch is essential – to the teenage preference that was basically abandoned biscuits left to do what they will.
Cripes there was even a time in the 90’s that I buttered you! And then you went and had teeny tiny ickle bambino versions of yourself dotted with chocolate chips that I ate straight from the box.
But now it is a different era. Times have changed. I have and so has our relationship. I have spent a long time crying over this lately. Crying over you. Weeping would sound so much more romantic here ala Disney Princess – however those informed know that weeping is a much more pitiful, beautiful version of the snot inducing, eyeball rolling, frustrated sniffling that I do.
You see I now see things from the other side. As my mother did throughout the years…..but I must confess my mother is the improved version of myself. Evolution in reverse.
My friend, Weetabix, you have become the bane of my life. May I suggest something?
You should provide some sort of lightweight disposable boiler suit in the box with the Weetabix. Easy on, easy off at 7.15am…..roomy enough for a suit, gym gear, anything anyone wears out of the house, to fit inside.
WEETABIX, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THIS SUBSTANCE IS TO REMOVE FROM YOUR CLOTHES???!!! Especially when in the shape of a 2-year-old hand print.
Wipe it wet & it’ll spread …… And stick…..to everything!
Leave it dry and……well, there are buildings held together with concrete that are less ergonomically sound than they collar of your Weetabix infested shirt collar…..a spectacular feat of engineering!
What about when you miss a blob? The spoonful or rather fistful that gets tucked away nicely in the corner of your handbag when you turn away for that split second. A jack hammer would not be unreasonable to use on such a spectacle if it’s not discovered until lunch time.
But of course, logically it is always found before lunch when in such . Shur how else would you manage to smear it all over your wallet, glasses, water bottle & makeup?
In your defence what you see is what you get. Unlike your friend – the banana. The banana lulls you into a false sense of security with its transparent slime like skids left across any surfaces it comes into contact with. And then in the cruellest twist, banana become brown and similarly cement like in one’s absence.
You shape up quite well nutritionally, for cereal, but I must point out you contain nearly 4 teaspoons of sugar per serving of 2 with cow’s milk. However a portion of that sugar comes from the lactose in the milk – as with all cereals. But in context, a serving of toast with butter & marmalade would contain about 8 teaspoons of sugar! So my point being……don’t add sugar to you – you are fine that way you are.
You are also low in fat and with your portion size being controlled as it is chosen for you, it really can be a favourable option on busy mornings………if you could only be eaten by under 5’s in a wet room and the whole place hosed down directly after.
And the fact that you are relatively high in protein (5g’s in every 2 biscuits compared to 2g’s in a serving of an alternative cereal) is another redeeming factor. So I suppose if I am going to serve the kids something other than porridge, you are a more favourable option that other ready to cereals.
But, seriously, Weetabix…….you need to think about the boiler suit.
Yours, sitting alongside many empty bottles of CIF,
Ps I’ve included my favourite very scrummy and most important really simple no bake, protein Weetabix Balls.
90ml Maple Syrup
100g Crunchy Peanut butter – I use the Healthy Meridian one
1tbsp Hemp powder
Warm Maple Syrup & Peanut butter.
Crush Weetabix & mix with Hemp & Oats.
Mix syrup into Weetabix mixture and mould into balls.
Place in freezer for 15 mins.